I Feel Better When the Sun Goes Down

I said, I think, in an earlier post this wasn’t true anymore, but with this (usually mild) benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome I’m going through I’m feeling it again. I just feel better when the Sun goes down. I’m often awake at sunrise, and when the Sun rises it feels like a burden. I just feel better at night, particularly after midnight.

I can remember feeling this way since I was a child. A thunderstorm would come and I’d go out and watch the rain, the clouds, the lightning, listen to the thunder, and feel a sense of awe. Then the clouds would thin, the temperature would warm, the humidity become oppressive, and then the Sun would come back out. Sometimes I would feel so low. And as a teen I got pretty good at amateur astronomy. I would get out my telescope and let it cool or warm to the ambient temperature at dusk. Dusk, from sundown till the stars had all come out, was my favorite time of day then. To this day I still go for walks mostly around dusk.

I worship and am very slowly becoming, I think, a mystic of a Goddess one of whose epithets — Νυκτιπόλος, Nytipolos — means Roaming by night. Hekate is both a chthonic and a uranic (heavenly) Goddess, but it is Her chthonic qualities I first fell in love with. I make most of my offerings to Her at night, as one does for a chthonic Deity in the Hellenic tradition, though I pray to Her whether it’s night or day. And of course Her deipnon, Hekate’s Supper, is always offered late on the night of the New Moon.

And I wonder why this is true about me. Something, unseen, unheard, only felt, happens at sundown. It’s similar to the cessation of the “psychic whine” of collective humanity during the wee hours when most people anywhere near you are asleep, but it’s not that because people don’t go to sleep then. I do not know what this something is. And I don’t know why it’s again bringing me such relief.

Just to be perfectly clear, I’m not here insinuating I’m a vampire, psychic or otherwise. I know how, theoretically, to practice psychic vampirism, and I’ve even done it on occasion, but it’s just to see if I can, or still can. I’m not a natural psychic vampire so I couldn’t take enough energy for anyone ever to notice no matter how hard I tried. It’s just a sort of naughty lark when I do it, maybe a couple of times a year. I do it when I’m feeling particularly antinomian. That doesn’t happen often these days. [EDIT: see comments, I’ve learned a lot about myself since reading this.]

Of the archangels I’ve summoned in order to receive preliminary initiations into their respective planetary spheres — I’m not ready they say for complete initiation — Michael’s initiation, Michael the archangel of the Sun, was by far the most painful. I could tell you what it was like in detail but that would involve delving into my psyche deeper than I’m comfortable doing here. It was beautiful, I will say. It was like what people tell their children dying and going to Heaven is like, in a small way. And it hurt like Hell. It hurt so bad — the sheer beauty of it — that I’ve still not performed the next rite of angelic-planetary initiation, and Michael was maybe a year and a half ago.

I do not understand these things, can’t explain them. They’re just true. I thought they weren’t true for a long while but now I know again they are.

Somehow I’m alien to the Sun, and the Sun alien to me.

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7 thoughts on “I Feel Better When the Sun Goes Down

  1. Colleen says:

    I have to tell you this you are not alone I am the same way. Was just telling my mother I felt good when the sun goes down behind the mountains. I feel ok when the sun is barely up in the morning, but after the afternoon I just feel blah. Interesting how we feel the same. Thanks for sharing that.

    • Rachel Izabella says:

      Hi Colleen! Thanks for the comment. It’s good to know I’m not alone. I do however often wonder what it means, to feel unburdened as it were when the sun goes down or, less so but still, on dark and cloudy days. If you have any insights about yourself concerning this I’d love to hear them.

      Much love, Rachel

    • colleen says:

      How strange, I am also colleen… And I cannot get out of my own way when the sun is awake in the sky. I LIVE for raining days… I moved just to have more, but once the sun sets, i clear up, i feel alive, I become…. me.

      I’ve looked into everything I could, and I felt a push to respond… everything on line and in a doctor’s office say. ..Depression. It’s not depression. I know what that feels like, this feels like…. someone had stuffed my head full of hot, wet, cotton balls… And when the blasting light from up above goes away, i ts better… the cotton balls fall out… one by one. I can accomplish chores, get things settled, i feel well, i feel happy, loved, safe, sacred…. i love the night…. but why? I’m so curious about this!!!!!! Please, any info would be wonderful… I’ve been searching for years to know…

      • Rachel Izabella says:

        Hi Colleen — The only clue I have as of now is this: The Sun is so powerful it can block out other energies, some of them needful for your well-being. For example, my magic is much stronger at night. During the day I can barely summon a spirit. And (I’m hesitant to write this but what the hell) — as a psychic vampire the Sun blocks my ability to draw harmlessly off ambient human energy. During the day I must make do with the energy of the Sun, which is a poor substitute for human energy, for me. You may or may not be a psychic vampire but I strongly suspect that the Sun is — I’m repeating myself — blocking some sort of energy necessary for your well-being. Meanwhile relish the night, bear the day as best you can. Also one can with practice learn to feed of the Sun’s energy (repeating myself again).

        Mandatory disclaimer about psychic vampirism. Psychic vampirism is a condition one is born with, not something we do for shits and giggles. It took me a lifetime (and I’m pretty damned old compared to most of you) to figure out with the help of a friend that I am one. We are not predators, at least very few of us are. We skim a tiny amount of energy from people’s “auras”, for lack of a better term, and that’s all, no harm done, no one even feels it. Or we take in the ambient energy of a crowd, say, in a coffee house. Psychic vampirism is real. It is not cool. It is not a pleasant condition. It is a burden. It is tiresome.

        And if my words offend you or you find them ridiculous then kindly fuck off.

        Have a good night, one and all. –Rachel Izabella

  2. Kolby says:

    I always get giddy or frisky, so to speak, as the sun is setting or shortly before it rises in the morning. For me, the vibrations I get from everything I’m involved in, whether studying guitar, reading, writing or anything really creative, seem amplified during the dark hours of a day, like I could take on the world and conquer it. The thing of it is my tasteful disdain, if you will, for anytime after dawn or before sunset and I really don’t know why. I’ve heard many things over my lifetime (I’m 32) that pertain to why it might be, but there is no concrete answer. Everything from having been born with the arrival of a new day (5:42 a.m. on a Saturday, Sabbath) and how the stars were aligned to possibly being a genius in some capacity regarding creativity to having my sleep patterns become permanently screwed up due to various jobs I’ve held with overnight shifts required and maybe having not been turned upside down enough times as a child. Who knows!? I’ve been like this my whole life as far as I can remember and it’s fun to entertain what might be the reason/s why. I like the way you describe things and find it interesting to ponder over. Got to this website by way of a search engine, but I can’t be sure you’ll get this. Let me know your thoughts and best wishes to you. -Kolby

  3. Jesse says:

    I searched forever about this “odd” fact of my life. It forever made me different from everyone around me. I do not dislike the sun, I find it rather nice at times. However, I always feel drastically better right as the sun goes down. I “wake-up”, so to speak.

    I ran into something that seems to explain it, at least for me. A doctor actually informed me about it after a couple years of working through things. Its termed DSPD (delayed sleep phase disorder). Its really an “irregular” circadian rhythm. The irregular only being called so due to today’s cultural norms.

    Apparently, for thousands upon thousands of years, many humans were sort of the night protectors and it became habitual for bloodlines to continue such practices. Today, these sorts of people are no longer necessary, for the most part, for our societies to survive.

    Well, enough said…I suggest looking into it for yourselves. It really is sort of fascinating to view it from our perspectives and can provide peace of mind.

  4. Dylan M Ganley says:

    Fucken awesome

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