Devoted

All the materia magica I needed to pursue Quimbanda further arrived in the mail yesterday.

I’m abandoning Quimbanda.

Last I mentioned it on this blog I said of Quimbanda that I’d been on the verge of abandoning it but had changed my mind. Now there’ll be no more waffling.

Yesterday, after a session of meditation where I successfully rested in pure awareness for twenty minutes, I asked myself: How will I feel following the way of Quimbanda? My stomach sank, I felt the anxiety in the solar plexus and my belly. It felt so bad I had to think for several moments of something that makes me happy and “copy and paste” the physical sensation of that emotion everywhere I had that feeling of disappointment and anxiety.

After I didn’t feel so wretched any more I asked myself: How will I feel completely devoted to Hekate as my sole Patroness? And feelings of peace and calm and quiet happiness arose in me. —These I allowed to persist.

I did a divination. Will I be happier if I abandon Quimbanda and worship Hekate as my sole Patroness?  Interpreted as past-present-future I got a chart that I read as follows. Before, I was trapped, in a prison. Now I am experiencing great good fortune due to inner strength and just fighting the good fight through to the end. This figure means Yes in no uncertain terms. In the future I will lose & experience no more my state of imprisonment.

I generated one more figure: it was one that’s favorable only for endings. My feelings were not deceiving me.

Quimbanda is fascinating, fun and scary. It’s also an interference with my real spiritual vocation.

Any Deity worth worshiping is both infinite and a Mystery. Hekate is both. She is fascinating but She is not scary. She is vastly more terrifying than all the Legions of Hell. I am in love with Her and have been for going on five years.

If I can horse just a tiny flake of Hekate’s infinity — and I have done — then why in fuck’s name should I bother worshiping far, far lesser spirits? Because it’s just so cool? Because Neopaganism in America is a mess that can’t get its shit together? Because Lucifer paid me a visit?

No. Not nearly good enough.

Hekate is my Goddess. She is my one true and unquestionable Love. I have simply acknowledged that I am what I always was.

I am Devoted.

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4 thoughts on “Devoted

  1. Divination by scrying your own entrails is the truest kind! I love this.

  2. Skyllaros says:

    I’ve recently made the same choice, giving up Old Horney and every other god to worship Hekate alone. It hurt at first, but in the end I’ve never felt more fulfilled. It was mainly the fear of letting go that held me back. She truly is enough on her own (for me) I’ve found. May your path be peaceful whatever you choose. Not trying to say our experiences are the same, just sharing mine with you for whatever help that is, if any 🙂

    • Rachel Izabella says:

      Thanks, Skyllaros, for your words of support! I feel peaceful from making the right choice and nervous about tonight’s Rite of Her Sacred Fires somehow simultaneously. Also a little nervous about what She might want of me, now that I’ve devoted myself to Her alone. But content. Just don’t ask me how I can feel all that at once ’cause I don’t know.

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