It’s partly due to marital troubles, partially to my one hate comment out of all the supportive and helpful and sincere comments I’ve received, and intensified by my reporting stories of transphobia and of bigotry towards and hatred of transsexuals, but I feel I’m falling into a trap. The trap is one of becoming full of hatred and bitterness. I suddenly see myself falling into a state of perpetual anger.
When I was full of testosterone, unready to come out to myself and unable to, I was a very angry person. I suppressed it, but my blood grew all the hotter for the pressure, the suppression. Now that I’ve lived as a woman for nine months — have knowingly been a woman inwardly for much longer than that — and am now full of estrogen and emptied of testosterone, I’ve not experienced hardly any anger — not until recently. I fear it’s beginning to show in my posts.
I’m sorry about that, my dearest readers.
The anger isn’t the same, though, as it used to be. It’s a cold, tight and controlled anger and bitterness. I say controlled but it slips out when I’m not paying attention. I’m brooding more, and over different things. And it slips out unnoticed by me in my words.
—I have had enough of Hell, Emily Dickinson wrote. And so have I. But the anger is a Hell in itself. That Hell is the trap.
I have had enough of Hell, and I have had enough of anger. I repent of my anger in imaginal sackcloth and ashes. I’ve been slack in my meditations on death, I absolutely must return to that practice in order to help me rid myself of my anger. I’ve been slack in my mindfulness meditation the last week or so. I must faithfully return to that practice that I’ve held to religiously for many years.
I will pray to be rid of my anger, for it to lessen. I will post no more angry posts. If that means ignoring all but North Carolina trans-related news then so be it. Keeping up with the news is not worth the price I pay internally for it.
Again, I repent of my anger. May I have the inward strength to let it die, or to kill it.