This post is all about how incredibly neat and deliriously joyful it is to be trans.
A trans heroine of mine — my first trans heroine in fact — Grishno, AKA Erin Winters, favorited one of my Tweets yesterday, and this made me incredibly happy. She’d asked “What was the happiest moment of your transition? …and Why?” And I replied, “@grishno When I went for a walk last Spring and the grass literally looked greener, the sky bluer, the flowers pretty for the 1st time.” I totally forgot about the Why? part. —The Why? should be obvious.
Can you imagine your endorphin levels being so low that your five senses have never functioned properly — and then suddenly you see for the very first time the true greenness of the grass, the real blue of the sky, and how very pretty flowers really are? Before, all these things weren’t just hidden from you, they were “unknown unknowns”. But now you know completely how beautiful a sunny Spring day really is. How sometimes we walk in Paradise.
Imagine living in a state of stoic dysphoria — since you were four or five years old. You know you’re different and you know that you have always been inauthentic — a fake, an impostor. But how? In what way? Oh you have hints and guesses, but you sweep them under the carpet of oblivion. —But then late one night you read a few web pages that evoke a dim and undeniable, unforgettable knowledge in you. Then, suddenly, out of nowhere, or out from under that carpet of oblivion — it hits you. Your Answer. I know who and what I really am … I know myself … I understand … and now, now I can BE myself! —Imagine the reeling euphoria, an ecstasy that won’t stop, and you don’t want it to stop. You’re trembling with excitement and feel no need for sleep…
Now you may have to imagine harder. Try, please. Imagine that your nipples have never been an erogenous zone, that you never imagined they could provide you with any pleasure. But now your chest, it isn’t just flat any more. They actually stick out! And your partner in bed suddenly takes those nipples into his or her mouth and plays with them, sucks them— You get the picture. Not just your nipples but every nerve in your body, every square centimeter of skin, and every bit of your insides — you’re all awash in a pleasure you never imagined existed. It’s so intense you moan and whimper and gasp and you feel free to moan and whimper and gasp because doing so is so right for you… Later your partner is breathing the breaths of deep sleep, but you lie there for an hour or more because the waves of carnal joy coursing through your flesh do not stop, they only lessen very slowly in intensity. I have never known this, never imagined, but this is the way it should be, you are thinking — if it can even be called thought — as you slowly fall asleep.
Your skin, imagine, has always been dry and rough in places, oily in others. You’ve always had problems with dandruff and still, at your age, you have blackheads on your nose and zits on your back and forehead. And then, almost overnight it happens so fast, you have no zits, not even one, your nose is clear and clean in the mirror, you have no dandruff or itchy scalp. But all that’s nothing to this — you’re skin is softer and smoother … soft and smooth. In fact, your skin, the largest organ of your body, can instantly become one enormous erogenous zone and it feels so good, your skin sliding against your partner’s skin… Yet one more joy that you never imagined and it is good.
Last, imagine being able to cry whereas before there was only a numb nothingness or a smoldering anger or laughter with a bitter tinge or laughter slightly out of control. But now you can cry and be happy at the same time, without any hint of dissonance in the single emotion you feel. You get angry but you can consciously control your anger, and it never steps out of line. And your libido, it does not control you but you control it, bringing it to the forefront of your consciousness when you wish, dismissing it when you wish. No longer does it invade your consciousness with an overwhelming force that controls you when you least wish it to. You are in control.
I could go on but I don’t think I need to.
People may imagine that you’re a freak, that you’re unnatural, even a monster. They may even tell you so. And it hurts when they do. —But you know they are wrong. Because the artifices of science and medicine have not produced anything monstrous. You know with both heart and mind that you are being upgraded. That you are better than you were before, better than you ever imagined you could be.
And often, you are simply happy. For no reason. You just are happy. And content to be happy.
—If you were able to follow me with your imagination, you now have a pale clue of some of the joys of being a transsexual woman.